In Mark 5, The Bible tells about a woman who had been bleeding from her womb for 12 years. She had tried everything to heal herself, spent all her money on doctors, and after years of pain, shame, and trying everything, she had one last resort. She heard that Jesus was the Christ, and people had been healed by simply being in his presence. She managed to push her way through a large crowd in order to simply touch the hem of Jesus' clothing, because she believed what she had heard.
When Jesus felt his power leave him, he asked who touched him. Its a wonder to me why he asked "who". Since He is the Son of God, and can read men's hearts and minds, why didn't He know? Jesus had a pattern of asking questions to stimulate a response in people that would lead to a lesson learned. Jesus called her out in public, so what was she to do? The woman, who wasn't even considered clean, or allowed to be seen in public because she was bleeding, had the audacious courage to announce that she was unclean, and publicly admit what she had done. It was at this moment that Jesus saw her true faith. She was willing to surrender her struggle and dignity, and lay at his feet. She risked her freedom, her reputation in order to be touched and healed by Jesus. She believed, and Jesus said "Go in peace, YOUR FAITH has healed you."
As Christians, we fall to our knees, beg, plead, and cry out in disbelief for God to heal us. We fall at the altar, and get emotional when the pastor anoints our head with oil. But, I have come to believe that true inner healing is not a result of some prophet or preacher healing you, or even a doctor or counselor. I believe that Jesus did not heal her like a doctor with a magic touch. It was the power of God she chose to lay hold of. Healing for me, came from being able to stand up in faith, and take hold of the Glory of God in light of, and despite of, my suffering. It allowed me to take the power that was stolen from me back. I released the power from that stronghold, that curse, that disease of my heart, and gave it to Jesus. I made the decision to write this book as my way of saying, "Lord, take my shame, dirtiness, sickness. You allowed this to happen to me. Now God, I allow it bring glory to your name, and I will not hide my pain and suffering. I allow you to use it to your Glory, to teach and heal others, no matter how I feel, what doctors think, or how others feel about it."
When others who are hurting see me stand up on a stage, and confidently speak of my experience in a way that pokes at the pain in their hearts, they respond. The are in awe of my presence on stage. They are amazed by the power and strength I carry, despite the atrocities I speak of. When they ask who I am, and how I was able to overcome suicide, depression, promiscuity, alcoholism, prostitution, drug addiction, and abusive relationships, I tell them the truth. I wasn't. I tried everything. Then, I feel at the feet of the Lord. I said God, this is what I have done, it's all I have to offer at this point of my life. It looks like nothing, but you can make it something. I believe you are the only one who can heal me.
By giving my pain back to God, I get freedom, and He gets honor and Glory.
God is all-knowing and all-powerful. So the things that bring us the greatest pain, struggle, and hinderence aren't for you to understand or deal with. Haven't you tried long enough to make sense out of it? Give it to the one who created you in the first place. God will know what to do with it.
Prayers & Pillow Talk is an intimate collection of poetry, scripture, and journals of a survivor of sexual assault. The book chronicles the authors journey from suicide to self-worth through a mosaic of poetry and prayers.Prayers & Pillow Talk: A Rape Survivors Journey To Self-Worth